The Issue at Hand
“No one really understands me!” “I just don’t belong here.” There is a good chance you have either said or thought this at some time in your life. However, it is not absolutely true. As long as you remain in your home culture, you have a great deal in common with everyone else. For example, "everyone" is very familiar with pop music, especially from the past. When people start talking about current movies or TV shows, there is a good chance the majority know each series' main characters and basic plot. The same is true with sports
teams and famous players. Through media and word of mouth, almost everyone has watched viral videos and is up on current trends – in their home culture.
For our example today, we can call this being a round peg in a round hole. Even if you stand out from the norm, you know enough about the culture to be considered an insider—someone who fits in, even if it is in your unique way.
Every culture is filled with insiders, but insiders in India are different from insiders in Spain,
and insiders in America are different from other cultures. For the sake of this example, we
could say that India is full of square people in square holes. There are 195 countries in the
world, and each one is full of insiders, people who fit in within their own country’s norms.
An interesting phenomenon takes place when a person moves to a new country. Using the
example above, I was a round peg in a round hole for thirty-eight years. I am an American.
But in 2004, I moved to India, a land of square people in square holes. Upon arrival, I started making changes so I would fit into the Indian culture. I changed my clothing, my diet, and my language. I started learning about the local history and participated in new customs. As the years passed, I became more like the locals, but I never became a square person fitting into a square hole. I lost some of the roundness of being an American, but I never fully fit into the Indian culture like the local people did.
Then, when I returned to America for a visit, I faced a new and unexpected issue. I was no
longer a round-pegged American. I was somewhere between round and square. So, I no
longer fit into the American society as well as I once had. I was left in the dark when my
friends talked about sports, movies, and other cultural events. They would share jokes or
briefly refer to things that happened in the family recently, and I had to ask for the full story –
something they did not always feel like sharing.
While I was in India, I would listen but not fully understand my friends because they spoke in Hindi very quickly. Upon returning to the US, I understood all the words, but I was just as
clueless about what the people were talking about. It was as if they might as well have been
speaking in a different language.
I was no longer round, but I had never fully become square. I realized I was an outsider in
both of "my" countries. And the only place I truly felt at home was in the company of other
people who had the same experience. It did not matter which country they had been to; we
both knew how the other person felt and what they were experiencing. Oh, I relished those
times.
So, What Should We Do Now?
This is not a post to garner sympathy for me or other cross-cultural workers. Admittedly, I
brought much of the issue onto myself by trying hard to live like the locals. If I would have
spent much of my time with other Westerners and held onto my home-grown traditions, the
shock of returning to the USA would have been much less. But that is not what God had
called me to do. He said, be like a Jew to the Jews and a Greek to the Greeks. He said be like the weak to the weak so that all people may be reached.
People and groups from the home culture.
Give grace – Cross-cultural workers should not be expected to be knowledgeable on all things new in their home country. Some things were forgotten, and others are entirely different. I remember it took me a long time to figure out what I had to do to watch local sports on my smart television. I also remember the shock of how much things cost, including cable TV. Likewise, their interests and experiences have changed. I was a sports fan before leaving the US, but now I am only interested in Premier League Football (I.e., soccer) and major events in Cricket or Rugby.
Offer judgment-free help regularly – Often, an adult does not want to ask certain questions because they do not want to feel dumb. However, they have many "simple" questions that start with the phrase, "How do I…" Overseas workers need a friendly face to periodically offer answers or guidance on things that might seem commonplace to cultural insiders.
Provide tours of the city or area – This is especially true for people who did not grow up in the area they are now living. Yes, Google Maps is a great help, but spending time together makes for greater connections. In this case, everyone in a new place starts with the question, "If I go out, will I find my way home?” The second and more frequent question is, "Where do I find…" When a person is on their own, outings become a scavenger hunt for needed items, good restaurants, and fun things to do. Instead of making the cross-cultural worker rely on a smartphone, make it a group event.
Listen to the stories and look at the pictures – Everyone who dove into the foreign culture during their years away is carrying 1,000 stories, 2,000 photos, and countless emotions. Insiders will not be as interested to hear these stories as much as the cross-cultural worker will want to tell them. But, let the worker share. It does not matter if it is in a private or a public setting, but it makes a world of difference if the stories and pictures see the light of day.
Cross-Cultural Workers
Give grace – A person from the US came to work with me while I was living in India. Upon arrival, I gave her an assorted nut box as a welcome present. I found out six months later that she was deeply offended by the gift because she was accustomed to giving and receiving a fruit basket as a welcome present. This is an example of not giving grace. If (when) you do not receive a ticker-tape parade or even a ride from the airport, do not worry about it. You did not go overseas for man’s applause (I hope). Do not expect your family, friends and church to fulfil your every wish. And if they did not meet any of them, they are still your family, friends and church. God will reward you as He sees fit.
Understand that life is not stagnated – Just like you have continued to change, your friends also have changed. Some of them have passed away, and others have endured the loss of a loved one. If you attend a large church, there is a good chance you do not know nearly as many people as you once did. In other words, you will have to actually rebuild relationships from the past and make new friends along the way.
Become a learner again – Hopefully, you worked hard at learning the language and culture of your foreign country. Well, now that you have returned “home,” it is time to start learning again. Find out what is important to the people and what events have shaped them since the last time you were in the country. You can do this through informal interviews, reading and watching videos of specific events. Please do not assume that you understand the culture because it is your home turf. Instead, take time to learn and adapt to your new home.
Get involved – When I was a little boy, and my mother went to the mailbox, I would ask her if I had received any mail. She always responded, "You have to send a letter before you can expect a letter in return." The same is true about making friends, being asked for your opinion, or for your help. Do not sit back, watching people walk by and wonder why no one will talk to you. Instead, instigate a conversation. There is a good chance you have more free time when you first arrive than you will in the future, so use that time to be a part of the community. Volunteer at church or help someone. Show up at a community event or start a conversation at the local farmer’s market. Consider joining a local group.
Conclusion
There is a steep learning curve for everyone involved. But fitting in is not as complicated as it sounds. By giving grace, showing God's love, and growing together, the square, round, and semi-square semi-round pegs can flourish in God's love.
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